Six Words You Need to Know

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Obviously I’m a writer. I have a blog. I am currently putting words onto the page. I’m definitely don’t have logolepsy, but I am a big supporter of the written word. And because of this, I have a bit of a word fetish. Certain words, when dropped into a conversation, make me pause and glance at the speaker with a coy smile. Bonus points are thrown about wildly.

Okay, so maybe I’m getting a little too far ahead of myself with all the glory and bonus points. But seriously, some of these bad boys are like little orgasmic bursts when you read them in a sentence. Anywho, check them out!

words

Tzuris, (noun) – a very aggragated and woeful feeling of sadnessElla sat feeling nothing but tzuris, silently tearing apart the bouquet of flowers she’d received from John the night before they broke up. Not only is tzuris a beautiful sounding word, but it’s also exquisitely formed. Bonus? It is a sneaky good play for scrabble, because the rest of the letters are pretty darn common.

Wifty, (adj.) – a form of flaky that describes a person who always thinks that the grass is greener at the other party. Brian is a wifty fuck. He was with me all night until Barney suggested foxy boxing, and then bam, gone. This word is a favorite because it’s definitive of my personality. I’m always bouncing around locations, especially when drinking, and I’ve often been classified as wifty by my friends.

Eccentric, (adj.) – the interesting combination of craziness and intelligence that makes you stop and think, hmmm, that’s strange. He’s an eccentric young chap with all of his customized gizmos and gadgets. Well, you’ll see what I mean when you meet him. I don’t think I need to explain why this word is amazing. Like wifty and a couple other words on this list, it’s a primary describer of my personality, and for that reason, I love it.

Ineffable, (adj.) – indescribable with words. Sometimes I see a woman, and even I, the writer of writers, stand in awe at the ineffable wonder. As a word that contradicts itself, it is a natural favorite. I’m a big fan of playing devil’s advocate, and for me this word is the devil’s advocate of words. It is also quite useful, because one typically busts it out when there no other words come to mind.

Quixotic, (adj.) – overly idealistic in the face of troubling life situations. Mom, I know I’m being quixotic, but I will eventually find a job that pays well, challenges me, and makes me happy. I’ve always lived as a quixotic soul, and the above sentence was more than just an example. It’s a fact. I will find that awesome job, and I won’t stop being idealistic about my expectations.

Callipygous, (adj.) – having a beautifully shaped tush. My hometown bff Jen is undeniably sexy; mostly because she’s the most callipygous woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. As an ass man (like Mr. Tribiani) I am drawn to this word. It is as wondrously constructed as the booties it describes.

Anyway, I love words. As I discover other new gems, I’ll try to let y’all know.

Closing Chatter.

Categories: Books & Writing, Me Myself & I, That's Life | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Twelve Books I’m Reading at 24.

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One of my goals for this year was to finish a book a month. I used to read all the time, but in college, it slipped away as I was constantly reading for classes, and wanted nothing to do with more words. I’m getting back into it, and as a goal, I’m going to finish a book a month.

Only the Innocent, Rachel Abbott. ~ First book of the year was actually a book I started before my birthday, but had been reading for several months. I was trying to figure out what was happening, and honestly, I only read a chapter at a time. The book is a realistic thriller surrounding the death of the great philanthropist, Hugo Fletcher, which follows a pair of thrilling protagonists. Tom Douglas is a detective, and powerful and aggressive team knows from the get go that the killer is a woman. The other piece centers around Laura Fletcher, the wife of the famed deceased. The thriller touches on some very sensitive topics, and I wouldn’t suggest it to a younger audience. But if you want a thrilling roller coaster ride that illuminates a difficult situation, give it a gander. It’s easy to find on Amazon.

Marked, Kim Richardson. ~ For my November book, I went with the first of a fantasy series. Marked is the first novel in the “Soul Guardians” series, a free book for Kindles right now. For me, a fantasy series needs to hook me early. This one did that. The snarky, klutzy but fierce protagonist, 16-year-old Kara Nightingale, is rushing to the most important meeting of her young life when she’s whisked away to a new land. She teams up with a cliched male lead to battle demons, described quite grotesquely. Honestly, was a tad startling at first. Anyway, as the first of a longer series, Kara learns quite a bit throughout the novel, ultimately surviving a battle with several Higher Demons. If you’re looking for a new fantasy ride, this might be the path. IF you’re hesitant, wait until I release information about the second book, Elemental, which I plan on devouring over the holiday season, cozied up by the fire.

Other Books to Read this Year…

I am just starting An unEnchanted Fairy Tale, so I can’t let you know about it yet. It has started strongly, with an average girl, saving the life of the BMOC. But he’s mysterious, and she’s scared… That’s all I know so far. Needless to say, my interest has been piqued.

First, I want to read Matthew Berry‘s book, Fantasy LifeI love his podcast with Nate RavitzPod Vader, and Stephania Bell. It’s got a lot of insightful fantasy football advice, as well as fun humor, and has led me to playoff births in all 3 leagues and a pair of first round byes. In general, I really feel for Pod, who like me, is constantly mocked but always rises up against it with a perfectly timed Groin Drop. However, I would love nothing more than to crush him in next year’s Man’s League. P.S. I love that the 06010 loves Taylor Swift.

Several books that have been suggested and are considered for the remaining  months are:  Donna Tartt ~ The Secret History; Christopher Hitchens ~  Letters to a Young Contrarian; Tina Fey’s best seller, Bossypantsand the F. Scott Fitzgerald classic, The Great Gatsby.

Fey’s book is probably tops of that list. I also want to read Colbert’s book. But both of those are things I’d love to listen to instead.

Anyway. If you read this whole thing.. you’re definitely a Hermione.

Closing Chatter.

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Can You Date If …

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I’ve dated my fair share of people. flowerFor the most part, they all started in generally the same fashion. I met the girl. We flirted. I got her number. We went out. If we hit it off, we continued dating. I would guess that most people have experienced this general relationship path before. However, there are a variety of situations that arise where, like a flower growing in the sidewalk, a relationship grows in an unlikely place. Each must be handled delicately. But if you keep your manners and communicate, you can build a lasting foundation, even on the slipperiest of slopes. So, without any more delay, I’d like to present my favorite game, Can you date if  __ ??? Let’s dive in boys and girls. Remember, I’m writing from my POV, so feel free to replace pronouns with your personal favorites, and also remember that this is generalized for mass consumption.

As a way of shedding light, I’m also going to be using some good old Friends references to explain certain situations.

Can you date if … she’s your friend’s sister?

This is one of the most over-used examples in television. Ross originally is distraught at the idea of Chandler and Monica dating, but comes around after they tell him it’s not just “fooling around.” The morale of Ross’ reaction is simple. If you’re going to date a friend’s sister, you gotta let him know ahead of time and/or that it’s more than just a fling. If you really like her, and she you, there should be no issue. Although, I highly suggest keeping the snogging to a minimum in front of him. (P.S. If anyone could draw the image of Ron nodding his head in approval of Harry & Ginny’s Kiss (Book Version), in say, 3 short comic pages, I would love you to death).

Can you date if … you work together?

I detail this particular issue in my “Company Ink” article, but I will say it again here. NO. Do not do it. It’s very tempting. It seems like the best idea. It sucks. The aftermath of an office romance creates crazy drama that no one really wants to deal with. So save yourself the time. Avoid the work fling.

On the other hand… the office fling is one of the hottest you’ll experience. The constant work flirt gets you revved up all day long, and when the end of the day rolls around, all hell breaks loose. My final conclusion? If it’s Elisha Cuthbert, I think the juice would be worth the squeeze.

Can you date if … she is 4 years younger than you? GG

I picked a random number here. I figured it didn’t matter where I started, but simply the rule I’ve learned and followed over the last half decade. It’s a little different than the commonly thought of Age/2 +7, I choose instead to add 9. Thus, when you start at 18, you can date another 18 year old. It keeps things a little tighter on the higher end, as well. Everyone has their own standards, but for example, if you’re 24, and you want to date some, she should be 21 (12+9).

Honestly though, if you really like the person, you can work past age. It really is just a pair of numbers. And remember, “Your age doesn’t define your maturity.”

Can you date if … she’s dated one of your friends?

Yes. With only one condition. Ask First. Seriously, it’s the easiest thing in the world. I’ve actually been asked before. They asked me together, saying that they were interested in hanging out, but didn’t want it to be weird. I said it was totally fine, and they dated for several years. However, I’ve seen the same type of situation blow up. After my buddy Matt broke up with his on again/off again girlfriend, his roommate Craig, started dating the same girl. Craig was trying to find the right way of telling Matt, but unfortunately, word got back to Matt via other sources, and the two guys had a major falling out. The two are still not friends to this day. It is very sad. They were like two peas in a pod. So, ask and then enjoy.

Can you date if … she’s dated more than one of your friends?

This is an interesting example. And if you’re involved in a tight group of mixed friends, the odds are that over the years, you’ll be intimate with different ones. For example, the friends crew has had mixed histories. Every single “Friend” has kissed every other friend, and a variety of them fooled around together. It’s inevitable. So if you think she’s worth your time, and you both feel that way, go for it.

Can you date if … she’s the town bicycle?

Of course. Aren’t all men the town bicycle, willing to give anyone a ride? Just because she can and does take advantage of that same thing, doesn’t mean anything. More power to her.

Can you date if … she met you while still dating her old boyfriend?

This is by far the hardest one for me to write about, because it happens more often than you think. See the Matt/Craig situation. The aforementioned female and Craig never hooked up before the relationship with Matt was over, but because it happened so quickly, it left Craig a bit nervous about her ability to commit. Their relationship was constantly strained and eventually it broke off.

The media has always said that, once a cheater, always a cheater. It is about will and mental fortitude. If she gave in to you when she was weak, what will stop her from giving in to someone else when the two of you are experiencing minor turbulence? Tread lightly on this one. That’s all I must say.

Last one.

Can you date if … you were best friends? Yes. Yes, a million times yes. The road upblocks for this one are pretty obvious. You both need to be single. You both need to be ready for someone. And you both need to find the other attractive. But the tricky part of this relationship is starting it. It’s very high risk, very high reward, and for some people it’s too risky. However, if you can get the timing right, you’re likely never to date again.

Now, my situations have been generalized, so please don’t barrage me saying that your situation is different and that I’m an idiot. Love works in really weird ways, so if you’re with someone wonderful, forget about how you met and focus on how that person makes you feel when you’re together.

Unless it’s your sister.

Closing Chatter.

Categories: An Eclectic of the Eccentric, Love & Relationships, Thought Catalog-Esque | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Roadtrip Games

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My family used to drive from Wisconsin to Delaware every other summer for the best family vacation an extrovert could ask for. We went to the beach with all our other cousins (20ish) for a week and it was always a blast. But the drive? It was 23 excruciatingly long hours.

aladdinMom, Dad, and three boys, stuffed in a van. I was always delegated to the back seat with my middle brother, and as you would expect, a lot of hell broke loose. However, we also played a lot of games in the car. Sure, it did include the handheld amazingness that was an Aladdin or 101 Dalmatians game. But more than these video games, we played a lot of thinking games, searching games and word games to help pass the time. Now, as three competitive boys often do, we fought about rules a lot. Ultimately, we made a rule book. So, here are the Rules & Regulations of some of the best road trip games I know.

Padiddle

This game is one I play to this day. Many people play versions of this game, with different rules, but in general it’s pretty simple. If you see a car with one headlight out, you touch the roof of the vehicle and say “Padiddle” as fast as you can. You get one point for being the first one to say it.

Bonus Points: 2 points for a padiddle on a government vehicle (cop car, fire truck, ambulance, etc.), funky car (slug-bug, cruiser bruisers), or semis. You also can score 3 points if you see a full tail light out (known as a cyclops, not a padiddle). During long drives, you can get a lot of padiddles, so the game can get intense with big comebacks.

The ABC Game

Another classic. Most people know the ABC game, but that’s exactly why it makes my list. On a tremendously long drive, it’s going to be played. The game is very simple. You must find words on signs, cars, buildings, and whatever else you can see out of your vehicle that start with the next letter up. You start with A, then B, and all the way to Z. It’s fun to race other people in the car to Z. It makes difficult letters like J, K, Q, X and Z all that much more searched for.

When playing the ABC game, kids love driving through the cities, and this must take a little extra tension off the driver, as the constant fighting is likely paused for maximum gaming. If the “starts with a…” version is too much, you can play the easier, find the letter anywhere in the word version. Other classics I could include but won’t are I Spy, Categories and 20 Questions.

Sprinkler Searching

Kind of a little kid only game. Also kind of a midwest game. Basically, as you are on a multi-hour drive during the summer/fall, you try to be the first to spot the giant sprinkler systems that water big fields of crops. They are sometimes tucked back into corners around wooded patches, so it’s a game that keeps everyone looking around the car in different directions.

One Red Hen

From a rules standpoint, this is a tremendously easy game. You repeat without making mistakes. One person is the leader, and he or she goes around introducing the game to others. And it goes as follows.

1 Red Hen…. 1 Red Hen AND a Couple of Ducks…. 1 Red Hen, a Couple of Ducks, AND Three Brown Bear…. 1 RH, A Couple of Ducks, 3BB, AND 4 running hare….

Remember to say AND before the last thing of each round. As you keep going, here are the numbers.

5 fussy felines fidgeting on a fence….  6 simple simons sitting on a stump….  7 Sicilian Sailors Sailing the Seven Seas….  8 egotistical elephants elevating in and out of existence…. 9 nibbling nubblins, nibbling nubblins…. AND 10 tiny tots, tentatively tinkering with tiny turds in a tiny toilet.

A victor is crowned if they make it all the way through without a mistake. If they fumble over some words, it goes to the next person in the circle, and you start over again!

Obviously you’re encouraged to make up your own version of the game, but for the first run-through, this one is the bees knees.

Treeland

This might be my favorite brain game. It’s also great for around campfires, but it helps pass time on Road trips as well. Basically, this is a pattern solving game. It goes like this, “I’m going to treeland, and I’m going to bring a _____, but not a _____.”

Each new round brings about another pattern. Players then try to figure out the pattern to get into treeland. As the creator, you keep giving examples of ways in to treeland, until the other players think they know. When they have a guess, they ask in the same way, “Can I come to treeland if I bring __, but not __?” If yes, they’re in. If no, they keep trying

Here are a couple of examples of easy puzzles.

Green Glass Door Puzzle – the first word is anything without two consecutive letters (box, cow, red, brick, house, etc.) and the second word does, (balloon, green, door, glass, puzzle, etc.).

White Icicle – The two words in this puzzle combine to create the initials of a state. As I’m from Wisconsin (WI) we always use “bring a whale, but not an icicle” combination.

Opposite Letters – For this one, you need to know your alphabet. If the first word starts with an A, then the second word would start with a Z. B with Y. C with X. D with W, and so on. It’s pretty easy, but it’s tough to figure out right away.

You can do any type of basis for your puzzles, be it based off the words or based off situations. Using things like, syllables, number of letters, letter placement, and others are great. But you can also do things like living things versus non-living (fish versus water, tree versus concrete, etc.).

For a more advanced game, you can try to make your leads sound like they fit into more than one pattern. It throws the players off, and it in general, spices up the challenge.

Zitch Dog

This is included because it’s awesome. Also, this one time, in a truck, two buddies and I drove from Eau Claire to Green Bay in Wisconsin (3 hours-ish) with “500 Miles” on repeat. It was awesome.

Anywho, zitchdog is quite the easy game. You see a pooch, you say zitchdog. That’s it.

If you like my road trip games, check out, “Cruising USA.”

Closing Chatter.

Categories: An Eclectic of the Eccentric, Thought Catalog-Esque | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Women Kinda Rock

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tina-fey-and-amy-poehler-600

I grew up with two older brothers. I had no sisters. I learned about life without women around. I didn’t really have the chance to live in close quarters with a girl until I was moving in with three at the same time. I’ve lived with only women since. They’re cleaner, always have candles, and don’t eat all of my food. It’s a win.

What I learned from the last several years is that women are pretty bad ass. And I really admire how strong you all are throughout the random happenings of life… (sorry to generalize throughout this article, BTdubb)

I always admire how you can pull yourself together if a random person enters the conversation when you’re heated. We were mid-argument when the pizza guy arrives. Suddenly, you’re like a perfect school girl, answering the door with a smile and a thank you. But the minute that bad boy closes, you’re able to flip the switch and blast us. I don’t have that control, and it’s very impressive that most of you ladies do.

Speaking of control, I really admire your self-control during your time of the month. I know that in the media, it is a common argument that women on their periods are the equivalent of a gigantic lizard raining terror down upon an entire city. Although I’ve never experienced menstruation and base all of what I know on word-of-mouth and the media, I’ve come to the conclusion that the sources are wrong.  I can never really tell when you girls are on your time. You keep it locked up. You don’t bitch. You are rockstars.

This goes double for girls I’m dating. When I’m with you constantly throughout the day, and we start fooling around late at night, and you stop me with a subtle, “sorry, my aunt flow is visiting,” I am baffled. Where was the evil devil woman? Nowhere. Just a delight who held it together all day and still brought spunk to the table. I truly admire this anti-stereotype.

Speaking of defying stereotypes, I also love it when a girl does something typically performed by a man and absolutely crushes it. I’m talking about the girl who runs train on everything in life. She knows how to change her own flat tire and the oil in her sleek Audi A4, (Love these). She also does her own finances, taking care of her monthly budget and taxes.

To be honest, my mom does our finances, so I can’t say it’s always a male task, but I love seeing you girls tackle tasks like these with ease. But more than just being able to accomplish these tasks, I really admire that you’ll do it with grit, determination, and a zero-shits-given attitude, all the while, brimming with confidence and spunk.

It makes me so happy to be living in the 21st century. Women are gaining their own place. It is great, and I am glad to watch you take control.

Also, shout out to Amy Poehler and Tina Fey. I love both Parks and Rec and 30 Rock. You two were great on SNL, great with your own shows, and are always classy as F$%k. Love you ladies.

Closing Chatter.

Categories: An Eclectic of the Eccentric, Love & Relationships, Thought Catalog-Esque | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Feelings that Need their own Word

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There are a lot of times where you’re trying to find a word for your emotions, but unfortunately, the English language doesn’t have one. You end up sitting there with your tongue out, snapping your fingers and wordlessly mouthing words that are close, but just don’t cut it. As a writer, there is nothing worse than trying to express an emotion without the proper verbage. So, here are some of the feelings that I believe warrant their own word.

Jackson’s Dictionary, part 1.

little kid blurting.

Shaamony (noun, sha.mah.knee) – The feeling you get when someone is in the middle of a story, and you have the overpowering urge to interrupt and share your pressing opinion on the matter. As you age, you’ll begin to control your shaamony urges, although, it’s more about maturing and letting go, than simply getting older. The natural response to an increase in shaamony control will be your growing flizzado. ~~~ I was filled such strong shaamony when she commented about hump day, for I had just witnessed the funniest commercial ever and wanted to “Mike mike mike mike mike” them. (verb form is shaamonize).

Cariella (noun, car.ee.ella, w/ a rolled R)- The feeling you have when you are walking away after a fantastic first date. You’re feeling giddy, the butterflies are fluttering, and you are already picturing a bright future. ~~~ My love life is seriously pathetic. It has been ages since I felt even a twinge of cariella after a date

Flizzado (noun, Fli-zah-doe) – The disappointment you feel when you had something extremely pertinent to input into a conversation, but could not fit it in before the conversation changed. Typically, you sit on your juicy nugget of insight forever because there was no opening for it, and you are too nice to shaamonize the situation. ~~~ I was filled with flizzado when the topic changed to sports and I hadn’t chimed in with my Barney story.

Splanger (noun, ends like hanger not anger) – The feeling you get when the show you’ve been binging on Netflix comes to a sudden end. Your binge is crushed, and you are overcome with everything from exaltation to depression. ~~~ Just finished watching Breaking Bad, and I think I finally understand what John was saying about splanger.

Quirrly (noun, k.were.lee) – The mental erection you get when a stranger randomly brings up your favorite topic in a conversation. It’s a mix of elation and control, as you don’t want to let out your unbridled excitement. ~~~ I really thought she was a bitch, but then she mentioned Luna’s wit, and I was overtaken by a strong feeling of quirrly.

Fleurbed (noun, Like Delacour, it’s Fleur.bd) – The feeling of utter fullness and drowsiness that only comes after gorging on a huge meal. This is often noticed at the best holidays, including after the Fourth of July grill out or Thanksgiving dinner. ~~~ Dude, I am ridiculously fleurbed; your mom seriously knows what she is doing in the kitchen.

Friggly (noun, Frig.glee) – The feeling you have after waking up from a long night of drinking, and you miraculously don’t have a hangover. ~~~ The nine tequila shots, coupled with the dozen beers should have left me feeling like death, but honestly, I’m feeling friggly this morning.

Pergumbled (noun, per.gum.bulled) – The feeling of having a word sitting on the tip of your tongue, but not being able to think of it. ~~~ It’s like aaaahhh, type of ummmm, well shit, I am just so pergumbled right now, so forget it. I guess I’ll just go write a blog about all the times this has happened to me.

Stay tuned in the future for more words from Jackson.

Closing Chatter.

Categories: An Eclectic of the Eccentric, Thought Catalog-Esque | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Selective Attention – A Male Disorder

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I love almost everything about women. Most of the time. If you haven’t read me before, I’m a flamboyant and straight guy who has lived with women for the past three years, (Different groups). I notice all sorts of little quirks. My interest is particularly piqued when it comes to fashion. The thing is, I don’t catch all the things you do. I may think I’m attentive, but I surely didn’t see what the brand name was. I merely noticed how you pulled it off.

What do I see when I look at your purse? An endless cavern of goodies and supplies. I know that if my lips are chapped, you’ve got me covered. My breath is a bit onion-y from the delicious Jimmy John’s, you have mints stashed. I also dig that you have solid set of pockets to stash my movie ticket when we go in. I might even notice the cute pattern you picked out. What I don’t notice is what brand name you’re flaunting. Prada means the same as Prodo to me. Sorry.

I don’t notice when you’re flirting with me. I try to be really nice to everyone I meet. I think that being genuine and giving it your best shot is the best way to get ahead in this world, so my general politeness comes across as “flirtatious” behavior. On the flip-side of this, I don’t notice when others’ behavior is flirting or when it is just someone being nice. Please, if you’re into a guy, and you’ve been trying to lay down signals, give us some help.

I don’t notice or care about who you’re texting when we’re lounging on the couch, watching football on Sunday afternoon. In all likelihood, I’m doing the same thing. I do notice when you shoot even one message while we’re at dinner, and silently, I’m judging.

Speaking of Sunday football, it’s cheating to have important conversations during my team’s game. If it is two randoms, you have a green light… but if it’s my Packers or Badgers, could you please hold. I won’t notice a single thing you say, and I’ll end up letting you down in the near future. Instead of getting mad at me in two days for forgetting the dry-cleaning, tell me after the game.

I don’t notice when you’re being passive aggressive. Why? I’m too busy being passive-aggressive. I know for a fact that there were situations where if I had been listening to the other half of the conversation, I’m sure I would have noticed your hinting. Kind of like in the recent HIMYM episode, where Marshall and Ted were going back and forth about Wedding Presents and Thank You Notes.

And lastly for you ladies, just remember this: we’re too busy noticing great things about you to notice the little blemishes you think stand out in your physical appearance. So be proud and confident. And don’t sweat the little ones like split ends, knobbly knees, or frankly, little ones.

We’re not noticing.

Closing Chatter.

Categories: An Eclectic of the Eccentric, Love & Relationships, Thought Catalog-Esque | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Once you go Black, You never go Back

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Remember that first time you busted out an iPhone? It was like upgrading from a rusted ’87 LeSabre to a minted Porsche 911 Carerra. But then two weeks later, you crashed that Porsche by dropping it in the toilet? You had to go back to the LeSabre, and life was just hell, right?

Exactly. It was hell. There are quite a few things out there that once you’ve had them, you can’t ever go back, for example, the clichéd black penis. Here are some other perkls that once you’ve had them, your life going back to the old thing is never the same.

1. A queen sized bed, in your own room. When you’re in college, you deal with that small twin bed during your dorm days. After your first few years, you move into a house and finally get your own room. In the corner of this room goes your new, gigantic bed. Going back to either sharing a room or sleeping in a twin bed would be like returning to the cupboard after the triwizard tournament.

2. Moving out of your Parent’s house. Speaking of moving into your new place, you know that moving back home is an undesirable option, albeit still an option on the table. It’s nice to know that you can fall back on your folks if you need to, but it is never the desired path. It is becoming more common, for good reasons, (check out this nice piece by Caroline Radaj), but a part of you longs for that freedom you’ve had.

3. A Smart Phone. I referenced this earlier, but it needs more attention here. It is one of the biggest gaps. Reverting back to a dumb phone is like being forced to ride on a venezuelan bus across the city for a month because the only train broke down.

4. After using an abundance of similies in a post, it is really hard to stop. Honestly, it’s a sweet little win, like getting your head scratched while watching TV in bed. But I promise to limit myself from here on out.

5. Once you’ve been allowed to listen to music at work, it makes going back to soundless efforts a painstakingly boring time. s_tequila

6. Once you’ve had Tequila with a lime and salt, you’ll never turn to another shot. It has the kick you want, the reputation of a legend, and even if you hate it, you love it.

7. Once you’ve started drinking delicious six-packs of beer, it is really hard to go back to the keg of Natty Light or Beast or even the Stones. Everyone told you that eventually you’d like the taste of beer when you first started drinking. They didn’t mention the fact that you have to buy better beer than the cheap college shit. Once you’ve tasted the deliciousness that is a craft brew, your taste buds will resent and reject the silver barrel.

You’ll constantly be growing out of old habits and fads, so keep your eyes peeled for other things like that cliched schlong.

Closing Chatter.

Categories: An Eclectic of the Eccentric, Thought Catalog-Esque | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Don’t be That Guy

Chatter Commencing.

They grind Peter Griffin’s gears. They make Red Forman peevesstick his foot up an ass. They make me think about owning a mischievous poltergeist. I’m speaking of course, of Pet Peeves. Everyone has their own nuances and quirks, and because of these, different little things set them off. I asked some friends, and got some ideas, and this is what we came up with as a list of things we could do without in public anymore.

When you’re driving, and you are turning onto a street with two lanes in each direction, instead of getting in the occupied lane causing the other driver to have to slow down or change lanes, simply merge into the unoccupied lane. The people who don’t do this deserve to have a small child placed in the backseat, and have that child equipped with an unlimited supply of small perch to barrage the driver. Don’t be that guy.

Speaking of transportation, if you’re biking down a one way road, and there are no cars on the street, get off the sidewalk. There is a time and place to mount the sidewalk (going the opposite way down a one way…), and with a neighboring empty street is not one of them. Don’t be that guy.

As a writer, I make a lot of grammatical errors in original drafts. The most common occurrence is when I edit half a sentence, but forget to change the word at the front end. Anyway, it makes me a hypocrite, but I really hate grammatical errors in texts. Do not is that guys.

Also, don’t be the guy who actually says something about someone’s grammar. That guy is even worse than the person who made the initial error. It was a mistake, and they happen. So don’t be that guy either.

If you’re living in an apartment with a variety of people, you’ll learn each others’ strengths and weaknesses as roommates. While there are a lot of things to discuss, like these, the most obnoxious is the dishes situation. Please, after cooking a big meal, don’t just pile up all the dishes in the sink for the next day. Your three roommates deserve to be able to use the sink and dishes. Don’t be that disgusting guy.

I love a good personalized ringtone. Outside of obvious examples, I don’t think a random outburst of “Eye of the Tiger” is a bad thing. However, I can’t stand when people have their texting sound on. You know the one that makes a little click every time it does something? It’s constant and ominous tapping is nerve-racking. Please don’t be that guy. (Although this one just makes me look semi-Monica-esque).

When in college, I had a mini-motto. Never stop walking. It applied to my daily walk from home to class to work to library and the such. Our city was a decently big grid, with two major one ways that paralleled each other. Crossing these streets on a diagonal when the lights stop was by far the most efficient way to class. Conversely, being stuck on the gridlock poses the problem of slow walkers. These groups, typically 2-4 people, slow the sidewalk traffic for all those involved. Don’t be those guys.

Now, I bet you’re thinking that I’m just ranting about a bunch of little first world problems. And you’re right. I am. But here’s where I’m going to swing the game around. Here’s a possible approach to take in a few of the previously mentioned situations.

If you encountered the aggressive driver, the best thing you can do is avoid a conflict. Cars are one of the most costly items to bring into a situation. Don’t let a little road rage empty your bank account. Instead, take a couple breaths, and as I once heard from my stoned uncle, don’t get mad at drivers, just pretend they’re you’re grandma, and you’ll be okay. I’ve since seen this on a variety of billboards and tumblr posts, so I don’t know if he coined or cozened it, but regardless, it works.

As to the biker, I’ve approached it a variety of ways. Ignore it. Nothing happens and nothing changes. Shout at them. They yell back and both sides are now slightly more annoyed. Politely ask the person to get on the road. Fifty percent chance they oblige. Fifty percent they tell you to go f*@k yourself. Best option for personal happiness is the last one.

If you encounter slow walkers, the best thing to do is start a witty banter under your breath between an Irishman and a Brit describing the happenings of a horse race. Slowly gain ground on the slow-walkers, and as you get closer, increase the volume of the announcers. When you get near them, make a tremendous finale and lunge your chest forward just as you pass along the outside. Have the Irish announcing voice exclaim the slowest comeback of all-time due to a blockade of slow racers at the front. Continue your day.

In general, pet peeves are just that. Little things that you probably need to ignore. You’ll be okay after a few deep breaths. Trust me.

Closing Chatter.

Categories: An Eclectic of the Eccentric, Thought Catalog-Esque | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

7 Things I’ll Never Say

Chatter Commencing. should-keep-my-mouth-shut

Everyone keeps things in. I don’t do it very often. I like to tell people exactly what I feel. But sometimes, I bite my tongue (I see you chuckling at that comment Jenna). I might be embarrassed. I might find you utterly breathtaking and suddenly lose the ability to share my feelings. I might want to refrain from getting my ass kicked. I don’t know why I’m not telling you this, but here they are now.

1. To that guy who just cut me off in rush-hour traffic. I want to punch you in the face. I know that I’ve been you before, hurrying to get somewhere, during rush hour. But you cutting in front of me is dangerous. And don’t do it to the person behind me either. Wait your turn like a good little boy.

2. To that girl I just met at the bar while hammered. I’m not going to be calling you tomorrow. I am sorry. But all my decisions tonight were driven by euphoric, celebratory shots. I’m slammed, and it’s not happening. I’m sorry for being an asshole.

3. To the girl I met at the coffee shop wearing the chuck taylors. When I asked for your number, I really wanted it. I am going to call you. You’re probably not going to answer. And then I am going to want to scream that life isn’t fair, when on the inside, I’m just a filthy hypocrite.

4. To the waiter who is super nice at a shitty restaurant. If you’re giving it a good effort with a smile on your face, I will still tip you well, even if my food is just average. On the flip-side, just because your food is delicious, doesn’t mean you can’t still rock out as a server.

5. To the dude who is built like a brick shit-house and is being a complete asshole to someone for no reason. I really want to tell you to shut your mouth. If you’re doing it to a friend, I will, and I’ll hope you don’t punch me in the face. I’m not a fighter. I just want you to know that someone will stand up to you, even if it results in being smacked.

6. To the mom with the little kid, anywhere. I just want to come up and tell you how cute the little guys tiny feet are… but I won’t. I’ll just mumble some baby talk under my breath.

7. To the girl I work with. I really want to jump your bones. I also want to ask you out to coffee. We mesh really well in the office, and you’re smart, funny, and you get more attractive with each passing day. The thing is, I have been involved in past workplace flings; see “Company Ink,” and I don’t think that this would end any better than that time.

My gears grind easy. But I also have learned to control my urge to blurt obnoxious things. Kinda.

I’ll drop more thoughts in the future.

Closing Chatter.

Categories: An Eclectic of the Eccentric, Thought Catalog-Esque | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

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