My Dreams ~ Melissa Faulkner

Chatter Commencing.

Hey Chatterbugs… this is the first guest post on my blog! I am excited to have other writers bring voice to Attic Chatter, and would love to post your pieces anytime. Posts just need to semi-fit with one of the three categories, which is pretty simple, since #EotE is pretty much a modge-podge of topics.

Anywho, this particular story comes from my good friend Melissa Faulkner. Melissa is a social media guru, and she shares her dreams and aspirations of fame and social here. It’s a highly amusing piece, and I recommend it to anyone who likes social media humor! So without any further adieu, Enjoy “My Dreams” by Melissa Faulkner.


This morning I read an article about Shaq’s personal social media guru. The concept of a social media guru is not news to me…but the potential clientele is. I’ve tried to weasel my way in to numerous social media ventures but I’ve mainly focused on small local start-ups.

UnknownNow, I can talk about social media until my head gets dizzy. I can talk about all things social media to my friends, family, and coworkers until they are blue in the face. I have always been an all-or-none girl, and lets just say social media has my “all.” I’ve been running some social media campaigns for various people/companies and my philosophy is always the same. Companies can’t afford not to do social media. And you need to provide a service upon a service.

As I was reading the before-mentioned article I thought mainly two things. 1) Celebrities are like little, self-contained companies that can DEFINITELY afford to do social media and 2) I could have written the article. Which led me to the conclusion that a life as a celebrity social media guru just might be my true calling. As a celebrity social media guru, I imagine my life to look something like this:

Wake up in my beautiful downtown Chicago flat. I have no idea what a “flat” technically is, but I know fancy people live in “flats” – not apartments. So therefore, I too, will live in a flat. I’ll whip up a quick espresso on my $400 espresso maker and then go into my “shoe lair” (as I will call it) and pick my outfit based off one of my 759 pairs of shoes.

My phone will ring.

-  Tyrone/“Oh hayyy girl hayyyyy. How are you doing Beyonce?…Yes, perfect, I can meet you there in 30 to discuss my brilliant ideas for how to best launch your new baby attire line using Twitter…oh yaaaa of course the baby Blue is welcome. I’ll have the meeting catered….Ahi Tuna wraps? Mmm sounds great! See you soon B. Muah!”

As I zip up my perfect pair of Marc Jacob’s boots designed specifically for me, my phone will ring again.

Unknown-1“Tom Brady! It’s nice to hear from you again!…No, no, wait to post that photo of your recent haircut until after the game…Yes I know how stressful bad hair days can be…well when I fly out to meet you in the Caribbean next week, we can discuss that more….yes give my best to Giselle.”

Post lunch with Beyonce, I will head to the United Center to individually speak to every Bulls player about our latest twitter meme: #BullsAgainstBullies. As the Bull’s digital marketing consultant, I will have courtside tickets to most games. But every now and then, I will be an extra in the dance team. (As a social media guru, I will suddenly have excellent rhythm and rockin’ bod.)

As I am in a private car on my way to talk Facebook with Jennifer Aniston over pedicures, I will get another phone call.

“Hello?…Miley!…Oh you got my number from Lindsey? Oh yes, totally fine…yes we were able to do some really great things with Lindsey’s twitter account in terms of rebuilding her reputation in the eye of the public….Yes, Twitter can do the same for you!…Yes, your father can see everything you post…well there is a setting for that……Ok next Friday in LA?…You got it. Just do me a favor and do not tweet anything until we meet?….”

Post pedicures, my crazy day will have come to a close. I will go home to my flat and spend several hours watching Food Network and cuddling with my Pomsky (Pomeranian Husky) named Pocket, who will be the closest thing I have to a boyfriend because I will be a slave to the celebrities. But they will love me. And Pocket will love me. And my Shoe Lair will love me. And I will be perfectly happy.

Guru Girl.

Enjoy the post? You can find more of Melissa’s work on her blog, hypothetical syllogisms, or follow her on Twitter for mini blog posts, @melisslyss.

If you’d like to submit a post for Attic Chatter, please feel free to comment down below and I’ll get you some contact information, or Tweet at me, @AtticChatter.

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