The Moves I Learned in College

Chatter Commencing.

DISCLAIMER – Part of this post is slightly R-rated. If you’re a young reader or my mother, now is the time to stop reading this post…. For the rest of you, enjoy!

Everyone who goes to college develops some signature moves that they work into regular life. For me, I can think of about 5 of them; some to get big men out of my face… others to get girls to suck on my face.  Anywho, here are the moves of the Space Cowboy.

The Sleeping Couple

So you’re trying to fall asleep with your girlfriend and she wants to cuddle. Everyone has been there. There’s not a lot you can do, but there are a couple options.

One. Tell her to get on her side of the bed. Very harsh, but the easiest way to comfortability. However, this one is high risk, and you could end up on the couch or curb if she gets testy… So I suggest the following.

Two. Suck it up and comfort your woman. She wants you to cuddle, so your most important move here is to position yourself for potential release. You need to get your arm under the pillow, under your head. Yes, I know you want to sprawl out, but by keeping this here, you allow yourself to pull it out if/when you want/need to later.

You spoon like a normal person for a while, but you feel that need to roll right? Your neck is a little sore, and you just need to stretch out for a second. Here’s what you do…

Keep the arm under the pillow, but half roll so rookieoftheyear1that your back is flat. It will almost feel like you’re Henry Rowengartner at this point. This next part is key.

Position your other arm across your stomach with your fingers gently grazing her back/side, just above her hip. Pretend to write words, as it will maintain a weird motion and feels really good for her.

With this technique, she still feels remarkably close to you when you slowly move around your fingers. And you get to look in the other direction, get that kink out of your neck, and not breathe in hair and warmth for a couple minutes. It’s as close to a win-win as you will ever get in cuddling.

The Sarah

This is by far my favorite move. But I might want to say that every time, so let’s take that with a grain of salt. The Sarah is the first kiss move, and may have spawned my desire to take a ballroom dancing class in college, (something I recommend to everyone, guy or girl).

Anyway, I met Sarah as a freshman, inebriated from a bout of dorm drinking, and basically looking to get my mack on. I found Sarah, who was equally intoxicated. She was a bit of a handsy one and liked to play with my fingers. I had her hands in mine, when suddenly the feeling to spin her overtook me.

It just felt right, and I lifted her left hand up with my right across her body. She went up onto her tip toes as she spun around. Halfway around the spin, I switched her hand from my right to left. With my left, I led her hand over my head, landing her fingers on my right shoulder, slightly around my neck. As she came around on the spin, my right hand found the small of her back, which was arching provocatively upwards, and I softly lifted her upwards.

My left hand came down and brushed the hair from her face, and we leaned in together. That first kiss was exotic, accidental, and full of sparks. I softly pushed her up against her dorm room door. I felt her melting in my arms, and wanted the kiss to last forever.

Then I hiccuped and realized I needed to use the bathroom, but not for #1 or #2… I never saw Sarah again after my vomit session, but I’ll always remember that first kiss, and the move that was born from it.

The Rule Seven

So I’ve always been a slightly effeminate dude, but when I got to college, for some reason, my flamboyance was more recognized. I have the nickname Cupcake in my big group of friends known as EZT (basically a sports frat with girls). Stay tuned in the future for the story on the nickname, but let’s just say that in this “anti-frat” I’ve earned a certain stigma. And that stigma is that I like men, sexually.

While this is completely false, I have never really cared that others like to make fun of me for it, since there should be nothing offensive about being gay. On top of that, I’m the youngest of three, so I’ve always been made fun of. I’m used to it. I actually sort of enjoy being teased, (Ladies, 😉 take note). captain

Off topic though… The Rule Seven comes from the phrase coined by EZT president, the Captain, who just so happens to be the lovely hombre to the right. Anyway, the phrase, “Rule 7” basically is said anytime I do something feminine, like crossing my legs while sitting or speaking in a high-pitch fake-girl voice. Anywho, I ended up creating a Rule 7 personality. Basically, when certain situations arise, I can flip the on switch to Rule 7 Steven.

The most common occurrence of the Rule 7 Me is when guys who could probably kick my ass, act like douchebags around my female friends. If some dude tries to hit on my roommate Kels, and she nods her head that she wants him gone, I flip the switch. I’ll slowly slide my hand down to his lower back and whisper something like, “you want to be in the middle of a Steven-Kels sandwich tonight?” and watch him high-tail it away. I know that acting flamboyant is a bit deceitful, but I enjoy making assholes uncomfortable, so sue me. Plus, when my roommate can avoid a sleaze in the process, it’s a win-win.

The Spin and Dip

While I can’t pinpoint the origin of my dancing kick, (Might itbondy have been Sarah?), the most amazing picture I’ve ever been in was at my first ever College Formal, with my favorite sorority, the Kappa Alpha Thetas. It was at this formal/dance that I discovered my true skills on the dance floor. I had more ballroom tenacity than the typical bro, and the girls around loved to be dipped. It’s not complicated stuff, but I’ve spent my college days asking girls to dance, and instead of grinding, I like to just toss a little ballroom in there.

I know this seems a bit weak, but when you think about the difference between you and the jerk who just wants to dry hump, you find that the Spin and Dip is a valiant and beautiful play.

The Gentleman

Just like the Sarah, the Gentleman was created out of accidental circumstances, but has become my go-to move in the boudoir. Most guys aren’t going to be able to rock the Gentleman, because it takes a significant amount of willpower, a frustrating case of whiskey-dick, or the lack of that all-mighty, mini-helmet.

This move was born during my freshman year, on Cinco de Mayo. Unlike the Sarah, the Gentleman led to my first ever college relationship, and also the best sex of my life so far. For her sake, we’ll just call the girl Mel; I know no one calls her this, and she hates it, so it’ll allow for anonymity. Mel is still a good friend, and although we didn’t work out as a couple, she was one of the more influential people I met in my younger college years.

Mel and I were in a class together, and had been flirting throughout the semester, although we’d never hung out together outside of class. Finally, I’d organized some extra-curricular volleyball with some friends and some other kids in the class. Mel and I played on the same team every game, flirting, bantering, and eyeing each other up.

Anyway, the two of us wanted to see each other again, but as an ickle freshman, I didn’t have the cajones to ask her out without liquid courage. Instead, I propositioned the group to a Cinco de Mayo drinking sesh at my place, which was quickly accepted by several people. Long story short, everyone else bailed. This led to Mel and I having some alone time.

After polishing off a couple of tequila shots, coronas and tacos, a bit of fooling around commenced. Her fingers flew over every inch of my body, feeling like a blind person reading Harry Potter for the first time. Our lips seemed glued together as we rolled around on the futon.

But I had a problem. I didn’t have a condom. I wasn’t about to have unprotected sex, and although we lived in a college dorm, where condoms should be flowing like wild, I didn’t really want to leave the room.

I am sure many of you are shaking your head thinking, what an idiot! But that’s not how it panned out. Instead of rushing into sex, I played the, ‘I want to wait for you until you’re ready’ card. She ate it up. We spent the night canoodling, chatting, and fooling around, but I never tried to push the envelope.

So, what’s the lesson to be learned from The Gentleman? If you’re going into the first night with a new fling, and you ASSUME you’re not going to have sex, it’s no let down when it doesn’t happen.

The point is, by coming in with the intent of asking to wait a night… You’re future holds many rewards, if and only if your other skills peak her interest. My lack of a condom led to us enjoying a steady relationship the rest of the year, then during the summer, and the following fall. I know a lot of people might have just gone ahead and slept with her, but I am so glad I did not. When it finally happened, it was the best sex I’ve ever experienced, and I owe it to what has become known as, The Gentleman.

That’s all she wrote folks… and by she, I mean he… #Rule7 #Ole!

For more interesting things, check me out on Twitter, @AtticChatter.

Closing Chatter.

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Categories: An Eclectic of the Eccentric, Disclaimer!, Love & Relationships, Thought Catalog-Esque | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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