Love & Relationships

Can You Date If …

Chatter Commencing.

I’ve dated my fair share of people. flowerFor the most part, they all started in generally the same fashion. I met the girl. We flirted. I got her number. We went out. If we hit it off, we continued dating. I would guess that most people have experienced this general relationship path before. However, there are a variety of situations that arise where, like a flower growing in the sidewalk, a relationship grows in an unlikely place. Each must be handled delicately. But if you keep your manners and communicate, you can build a lasting foundation, even on the slipperiest of slopes. So, without any more delay, I’d like to present my favorite game, Can you date if  __ ??? Let’s dive in boys and girls. Remember, I’m writing from my POV, so feel free to replace pronouns with your personal favorites, and also remember that this is generalized for mass consumption.

As a way of shedding light, I’m also going to be using some good old Friends references to explain certain situations.

Can you date if … she’s your friend’s sister?

This is one of the most over-used examples in television. Ross originally is distraught at the idea of Chandler and Monica dating, but comes around after they tell him it’s not just “fooling around.” The morale of Ross’ reaction is simple. If you’re going to date a friend’s sister, you gotta let him know ahead of time and/or that it’s more than just a fling. If you really like her, and she you, there should be no issue. Although, I highly suggest keeping the snogging to a minimum in front of him. (P.S. If anyone could draw the image of Ron nodding his head in approval of Harry & Ginny’s Kiss (Book Version), in say, 3 short comic pages, I would love you to death).

Can you date if … you work together?

I detail this particular issue in my “Company Ink” article, but I will say it again here. NO. Do not do it. It’s very tempting. It seems like the best idea. It sucks. The aftermath of an office romance creates crazy drama that no one really wants to deal with. So save yourself the time. Avoid the work fling.

On the other hand… the office fling is one of the hottest you’ll experience. The constant work flirt gets you revved up all day long, and when the end of the day rolls around, all hell breaks loose. My final conclusion? If it’s Elisha Cuthbert, I think the juice would be worth the squeeze.

Can you date if … she is 4 years younger than you? GG

I picked a random number here. I figured it didn’t matter where I started, but simply the rule I’ve learned and followed over the last half decade. It’s a little different than the commonly thought of Age/2 +7, I choose instead to add 9. Thus, when you start at 18, you can date another 18 year old. It keeps things a little tighter on the higher end, as well. Everyone has their own standards, but for example, if you’re 24, and you want to date some, she should be 21 (12+9).

Honestly though, if you really like the person, you can work past age. It really is just a pair of numbers. And remember, “Your age doesn’t define your maturity.”

Can you date if … she’s dated one of your friends?

Yes. With only one condition. Ask First. Seriously, it’s the easiest thing in the world. I’ve actually been asked before. They asked me together, saying that they were interested in hanging out, but didn’t want it to be weird. I said it was totally fine, and they dated for several years. However, I’ve seen the same type of situation blow up. After my buddy Matt broke up with his on again/off again girlfriend, his roommate Craig, started dating the same girl. Craig was trying to find the right way of telling Matt, but unfortunately, word got back to Matt via other sources, and the two guys had a major falling out. The two are still not friends to this day. It is very sad. They were like two peas in a pod. So, ask and then enjoy.

Can you date if … she’s dated more than one of your friends?

This is an interesting example. And if you’re involved in a tight group of mixed friends, the odds are that over the years, you’ll be intimate with different ones. For example, the friends crew has had mixed histories. Every single “Friend” has kissed every other friend, and a variety of them fooled around together. It’s inevitable. So if you think she’s worth your time, and you both feel that way, go for it.

Can you date if … she’s the town bicycle?

Of course. Aren’t all men the town bicycle, willing to give anyone a ride? Just because she can and does take advantage of that same thing, doesn’t mean anything. More power to her.

Can you date if … she met you while still dating her old boyfriend?

This is by far the hardest one for me to write about, because it happens more often than you think. See the Matt/Craig situation. The aforementioned female and Craig never hooked up before the relationship with Matt was over, but because it happened so quickly, it left Craig a bit nervous about her ability to commit. Their relationship was constantly strained and eventually it broke off.

The media has always said that, once a cheater, always a cheater. It is about will and mental fortitude. If she gave in to you when she was weak, what will stop her from giving in to someone else when the two of you are experiencing minor turbulence? Tread lightly on this one. That’s all I must say.

Last one.

Can you date if … you were best friends? Yes. Yes, a million times yes. The road upblocks for this one are pretty obvious. You both need to be single. You both need to be ready for someone. And you both need to find the other attractive. But the tricky part of this relationship is starting it. It’s very high risk, very high reward, and for some people it’s too risky. However, if you can get the timing right, you’re likely never to date again.

Now, my situations have been generalized, so please don’t barrage me saying that your situation is different and that I’m an idiot. Love works in really weird ways, so if you’re with someone wonderful, forget about how you met and focus on how that person makes you feel when you’re together.

Unless it’s your sister.

Closing Chatter.

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Categories: An Eclectic of the Eccentric, Love & Relationships, Thought Catalog-Esque | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Women Kinda Rock

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tina-fey-and-amy-poehler-600

I grew up with two older brothers. I had no sisters. I learned about life without women around. I didn’t really have the chance to live in close quarters with a girl until I was moving in with three at the same time. I’ve lived with only women since. They’re cleaner, always have candles, and don’t eat all of my food. It’s a win.

What I learned from the last several years is that women are pretty bad ass. And I really admire how strong you all are throughout the random happenings of life… (sorry to generalize throughout this article, BTdubb)

I always admire how you can pull yourself together if a random person enters the conversation when you’re heated. We were mid-argument when the pizza guy arrives. Suddenly, you’re like a perfect school girl, answering the door with a smile and a thank you. But the minute that bad boy closes, you’re able to flip the switch and blast us. I don’t have that control, and it’s very impressive that most of you ladies do.

Speaking of control, I really admire your self-control during your time of the month. I know that in the media, it is a common argument that women on their periods are the equivalent of a gigantic lizard raining terror down upon an entire city. Although I’ve never experienced menstruation and base all of what I know on word-of-mouth and the media, I’ve come to the conclusion that the sources are wrong.  I can never really tell when you girls are on your time. You keep it locked up. You don’t bitch. You are rockstars.

This goes double for girls I’m dating. When I’m with you constantly throughout the day, and we start fooling around late at night, and you stop me with a subtle, “sorry, my aunt flow is visiting,” I am baffled. Where was the evil devil woman? Nowhere. Just a delight who held it together all day and still brought spunk to the table. I truly admire this anti-stereotype.

Speaking of defying stereotypes, I also love it when a girl does something typically performed by a man and absolutely crushes it. I’m talking about the girl who runs train on everything in life. She knows how to change her own flat tire and the oil in her sleek Audi A4, (Love these). She also does her own finances, taking care of her monthly budget and taxes.

To be honest, my mom does our finances, so I can’t say it’s always a male task, but I love seeing you girls tackle tasks like these with ease. But more than just being able to accomplish these tasks, I really admire that you’ll do it with grit, determination, and a zero-shits-given attitude, all the while, brimming with confidence and spunk.

It makes me so happy to be living in the 21st century. Women are gaining their own place. It is great, and I am glad to watch you take control.

Also, shout out to Amy Poehler and Tina Fey. I love both Parks and Rec and 30 Rock. You two were great on SNL, great with your own shows, and are always classy as F$%k. Love you ladies.

Closing Chatter.

Categories: An Eclectic of the Eccentric, Love & Relationships, Thought Catalog-Esque | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Selective Attention – A Male Disorder

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I love almost everything about women. Most of the time. If you haven’t read me before, I’m a flamboyant and straight guy who has lived with women for the past three years, (Different groups). I notice all sorts of little quirks. My interest is particularly piqued when it comes to fashion. The thing is, I don’t catch all the things you do. I may think I’m attentive, but I surely didn’t see what the brand name was. I merely noticed how you pulled it off.

What do I see when I look at your purse? An endless cavern of goodies and supplies. I know that if my lips are chapped, you’ve got me covered. My breath is a bit onion-y from the delicious Jimmy John’s, you have mints stashed. I also dig that you have solid set of pockets to stash my movie ticket when we go in. I might even notice the cute pattern you picked out. What I don’t notice is what brand name you’re flaunting. Prada means the same as Prodo to me. Sorry.

I don’t notice when you’re flirting with me. I try to be really nice to everyone I meet. I think that being genuine and giving it your best shot is the best way to get ahead in this world, so my general politeness comes across as “flirtatious” behavior. On the flip-side of this, I don’t notice when others’ behavior is flirting or when it is just someone being nice. Please, if you’re into a guy, and you’ve been trying to lay down signals, give us some help.

I don’t notice or care about who you’re texting when we’re lounging on the couch, watching football on Sunday afternoon. In all likelihood, I’m doing the same thing. I do notice when you shoot even one message while we’re at dinner, and silently, I’m judging.

Speaking of Sunday football, it’s cheating to have important conversations during my team’s game. If it is two randoms, you have a green light… but if it’s my Packers or Badgers, could you please hold. I won’t notice a single thing you say, and I’ll end up letting you down in the near future. Instead of getting mad at me in two days for forgetting the dry-cleaning, tell me after the game.

I don’t notice when you’re being passive aggressive. Why? I’m too busy being passive-aggressive. I know for a fact that there were situations where if I had been listening to the other half of the conversation, I’m sure I would have noticed your hinting. Kind of like in the recent HIMYM episode, where Marshall and Ted were going back and forth about Wedding Presents and Thank You Notes.

And lastly for you ladies, just remember this: we’re too busy noticing great things about you to notice the little blemishes you think stand out in your physical appearance. So be proud and confident. And don’t sweat the little ones like split ends, knobbly knees, or frankly, little ones.

We’re not noticing.

Closing Chatter.

Categories: An Eclectic of the Eccentric, Love & Relationships, Thought Catalog-Esque | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Be a Constant Complimenter

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If I can give you one piece of advice on how to be happy, it’s this: Compliment other people.  In my experience, it really is that simple. I’m not saying go out and just spew catcalls at everyone walking down the street.  I’m talking about well-placed and simple compliments.

Every compliment you give should be sincere. I’ve been told I’m quite genuine, and I think that can partly be explained by my constant complimenting.  If you notice something that you like, open your mouth and let the other person know.  It is always a lovely surprise when someone says, “I like those shoes, they’re so unique!” Be that person.

So, you’re not the kind of person who opens your mouth without good reason? Start slow. Try to just compliment one coworker or classmate each day on something in their attire; shoes work really well, or hairstyle changes, or trinkets like rings, necklaces or other jewelry. The key is, be sincere about your compliment.

When you deliver the compliment, look the person in the eyes, smile and keep it brief. Two sentences and a big smile will do. You can then carry on with your activity. In general, I try to mention to multiple people a day that I like something they’re wearing. Why? Because they chose it. It’s not their body, but their personal choices in style and flair. People are much more appreciative of a “I love your scarf, where did you get it?” than a “day-umm girl, the back of your head is ridiculous!”

I am a sucker for female footwear. I don’t know or care about the names of a single product, but rather if and how you pull it off. Boots of any kind are a win. High boots that lace up all the way in the front are particularly sexy. Why? Because whoever is wearing them took the time to lace up boots. Her boots likely finish the outfit, tying up her pull-together look.

On that same line, take time to compliment anyone on something you know they took time working on. Your friend made a shirt from Pinterest and it’s really cute? Make sure to compliment it in front of some other people, mentioning the Pinterest bit so your roommate doesn’t have to. She’ll be really excited about it, and you’ll get the high of her happiness.
“Compliments work well in everyday social interaction, but I’ve also found that if you’re out at the bars downtown a legitimate compliment goes a long way to pique their interest in you,” said BraksOnBraks via Chelsea Fagan’s “21 Men On The One Secret Every Man Should Know.” He continues along the same lines as my reasons.

By complimenting someone sincerely at the bar, you’re picking someone with at least one common characteristic. This gives you more than just a pretty face. Additionally, when you compliment a variety of people on their cute accessories, you can find who might have interest by observing body language post compliment. If they look your way a couple times shortly after your compliment, you’re probably okay to give it a go.

But more than hooking up, complimenting others makes them happy. And in my opinion, being with happy people always brings your mood up. So, make someone’s day today.

Closing Chatter.

Categories: An Eclectic of the Eccentric, Love & Relationships, Thought Catalog-Esque | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Dates for 20-Somethings Under $20

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I am a bit of a hopeless romantic. I love chick flicks, 18333-The-Best-Things-In-Life...although I’m not a Nicholas Sparks fan… maybe it’s the trauma in all of them. However, my favorite part of a RomCom is when the leading lady’s face shines bright with the sudden surprise of a fabulous date. I know that sometimes it is a fancy dinner, but I really love the little things, the thrifty things, the thoughtful things.

So, with that carefree, upbeat, and dollar-savvy attitude in mind, here are some of my favorite dating activities, either for a first date, a fifth date, or a random afternoon with your new hubby.

I love to cook and bake, and I’m also a Pinterest nut. Combine these things and you can get a pretty sweet date. Pick out a favorite recipe, travel to the store together, and then fail miserably in trying to recreate something obnoxious. Flour fights are definitely encouraged.

If you have a local volunteer program, consider bringing your new fling. It is awesome to be giving back to the world, and you’ll both leave feeling great. Plus, winking at each other when crossing paths really makes the butterflies fly up.

Dates with Paint. I don’t know why, but I like paint-involved dating. It brings out the kid in most people. And I’m basically a 12-year-old in a 24-year-old body. Anyway, dates with paint are fantastic.

Messy Twister ~ Simple game … but very fun. Take a twister board, and pour paint onto each circle (match the colors). Then, compete as usual. This one gets messy, but you’ll both be laughing, and the clean-up can be just as fun.

Paint-Gun Fights ~ Fill up a variety of dollar store squirt guns with all sorts of colors. If you’re planning this, grab two cheap white Ts and some shaped stickers. After the fight, you will have a cool, unique shirt to remember the adventure. (Fill up balloons with paint to use as grenades in your battle!)

Go to one of your favorite book stores. Bring a notepad and some writing utensils (I prefer colored sharpies) and start collecting all your favorite books. You get to see what your partner is a fan of, and then together, you can write some short notes to future readers.

Take a pair of rainboots. Walk around the city under an umbrella with your Boo and map out the daily activities of the invisible man in the rain. I actually did this one in college and we had a blast. The girl had a polaroid camera, and it was awesome for chronicling the day!

(From my friend John) Go over to a friend’s apartment, and subtlety turn things upside down. When one of you gets caught, shout something like, “the Russians thought that they could get away with it!” and then bolt. Repeat at another friend’s place.

Go to Walmart. Each of you should find three items that describe your personality. Hide them somewhere else and re-meet. Share clues about the hiding spot, and then it’s go time. Basically, it’s a Walmart personality scavenger hunt.

Wear your finest clothes. Drive to the nearest car dealership, and test-drive some beastly vehicles under the impression of your recent promotion, wink wink.

If you’re from the city, grab a blanket (or several) a throw pillow or two, a bottle of wine (again, or several), and hop in your car. Drive out of the city really late, and find a random spot in a field. You really get to know someone when you’re staring up at the endless space above your heads.

If your city has a zoo, there are often discount/free days. Take advantage and wander around looking at the fantastic beasts, and read all about where to find them.

Remember that kite you bought four years ago? Pack that baby and a couple snacks and a blanket and find yourselves a park. Spend time trying to keep your kite floating, but also enjoy the blue skies with a bit of cloud watching.

And if all else fails, just take her/him by the hand and go for a walk. You talk. You laugh. You stop at a hotdog stand. It’s simple and easy, and honestly, isn’t it all about the time together, and the smiles of surprise.

Closing Chatter.

Categories: An Eclectic of the Eccentric, Love & Relationships, Thought Catalog-Esque | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Social Media Etiquette After A Break-Up

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“I want to punch him in the fucking face!” you’re screaming, as you angrily turn the keys in your car. You fume the whole drive, hate singing along to Taylor Swift’s Mean and gorging on a bag of Funyuns that has been sitting in your backseat for two weeks. The stale crunch clashes with Taylor’s spirited solo, and you slam both hands on your steering wheel in rage.

You get home, throw open your car door, and rush into the house. You stomp past your mother who just stares after you, mouth slightly open, a look of empathy mixed with annoyance on her face.

You slam your bedroom door, and dive for your computer. Your first instinct is to tear him apart on Twitter and Facebook, and your fingers fly over the keyboard, typing up an awesomely spiteful status update about that time he accidentally hit himself in the face with his own hot, masturbatory load.

Just before you hit send, you pause. social-networks-V2

Don’t worry. You’re not alone. In this digital age, people are very quick to take to Social Media to express their feelings.

But in the case of relationships, do not do it. Seriously, just don’t do it.

Instead, practice some social media break-up etiquette. Now, every break-up is different, so not all of these rules will apply to any one relationship. They are more like guidelines for a happier social media life. So, heed the warnings!

1. Do NOT rant about your Ex on Facebook. Everyone wants to do this. It has become almost an instinctive reaction to either good or bad news. The whole Facebook world needs to know about it, right? Wrong. Please, keep that shit to yourself.

2. Instead, post an upbeat status about where life can go from here. People want to hear about the good things, and posting a positive status will rally your friends around you, and might lead to a random evening of drunken shenanigans featuring new, hot humans.

3. However, do NOT post that status that is clearly about your Ex, but to most friends, it is so vague that we know you’re just imploring for someone to ask what’s wrong. Need an example?

“Why do awful things happen to me, when all I do is try to be a loving person?!?”

You look like you’re just begging for attention, and honestly, it bugs your friends. Instead you want to throw out a fun status that shows you are capable of living without your Ex.

4. Yes, feel free to delete your Ex, unfollow him, and basically eliminate him from your social network. It’s your personal network, and if you don’t want to see him/him to see you, by all means, get rid of him.

However, I would advise against blocking the Ex, (unless necessary). If you might have a chance of being friends, being a super closed off drama queen is surely the way to get deleted. I know not everyone wants to be friends with an Ex, but he/she was very close to you for a reason. By not blocking, you leave the option for friendship open.

Also, if your privacy settings are as tight as they should be, deleting him should do the trick. Lesson here? Delete. Don’t Block.

5. In the same breath, if you are Facebook friends with a lot of his family or friends, feel free to slowly wean them off your friend list. Yes, you can delete all in one fell swoop, but this is one of those things where it isn’t going to hurt you to wait a month, but might cause some strife if you go on a deleting binge.

That being said, you’re also more than welcome to remain friends with people you met through your Ex. If it was a friend of his, that you are now friends with, feel free to maintain that new relationship.

6. Do NOT post explicit photos of your Ex. If you were dating long enough, it’s likely that you both have some dirt on the other, especially in the way of pictures. Save them. In five years, you’ll laugh at your past self. But if you post them, you’re asking for a war. And no one wins there.

7. Avoid the urge to stalk your Ex at 2 AM. I know this one is really difficult. But when you accidentally hit like on a status when you’re back in 2010, you’re going to hate yourself.

And trust me; you don’t want to see the other pretty girls who have been waiting for him to be single who are now commenting on all his statuses and pictures. It’s better getting a clean break, and just avoiding his pages in general.

8. If you start dating someone else right away, try to keep it off Facebook. You don’t want to cause unnecessary drama (or maybe you do), and posting about your new boy is definitely going to bite you in the ass. I know that you really want to tag him with your cute brunch picture. It’s okay, the world will survive without knowing you went out with a new Mr. Steamy. That’s how it used to be. And this is actually a good segue for “Social Media Etiquette at the Beginning of a Relationship,” to come in future weeks.

9. Finally, when in doubt, do NOT post anything when you’re upset, angry or sad. I’m talking anything. It could be liking a status, tweeting something snarky, or just writing “I Miss You” on his wall. Don’t do it! None of these are things that you’re going to look back on in 24 hours and think, oh yeah, that was smart.

Break ups suck. It’s a fact of life. But Love is great, and people will continue to search for it. Just remember, along the path to finding that right guy, you’ll have some stumbles.

So, just make sure your social media self doesn’t create more issues and drama than your real life.

Closing Chatter.

Categories: An Eclectic of the Eccentric, Love & Relationships, Thought Catalog-Esque | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

10 Things I Love About Women (pt. I)

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So men out there love a lot of different things about women. There are your typical men who love a nice set of hooters or a little junk in the trunk. But this list is more of a featurette of less commonly spotted, yet completely sexy characteristics about girls/women that I, the Space Cowboy, find to be devastatingly attractive.

This is also going to be a growing piece, with only 10 new ideas at a time. When I’ve got 10 new ones, each new set will be published! So, without any more bustling chit-chat, here we go!

1. I love the way you ladies run across the street in heels when the walk sign is blinking. It’s like a half-run, half-walk clippity clop that just makes you look hilariously adorable.

2. Not all of them are sexy, but a girl with a slightly raspy voice just gets my blood pumping.

3. A girl who rocks a baseball cap and a pony-tail. It’s such a simple look, but topped off with a brewers jersey, and I’m sold.

4. A sporty girl. I’m a huge sports fan/avid player of activities, so someone who can keep up with me on the volleyball court gains a lot of points.

5. At the same time, I’m also a big fan of the girl who can’t play a sport to save her life, but she’s always there to support her friends and the team. It’s such an emotional appeal.

6. I love a girl who will rest her hand out the window when riding in a car and do the whole, waves in the air thing. Such a free-spirit type of action that not everyone does.

7. I love pale/porcelain skin. A girl that has that has a rocking tan is also awesome, but there is just something about that pale-ness that is just so sexy!

8. I love a girl who has normal girl fingernails. Too long and they become a sign of a tart. Too short and they lose attraction. I like them painted (matching their outfit for certain occasions, like a wedding, is a major bonus).

9. I have always been a sucker for a girl who can dance. Both serious girlfriends were on dance teams, but it’s more than just the ability. It’s that I also love to dance, and when I have someone who I dance with consistently, the chemistry grows along with my feelings.

10. I know that everyone who has read a single article of mine already knows this, but a Harry Potter nerd is always winning. I could probably talk about the books, watch the movies, or listen to the soundtracks anywhere, anytime, with anyone. The girl who wants to join, is my girl. Also, if you’re Emma Watson, it doesn’t hurt your chances.

Stay tuned in in the future for other things I find to be turn-ons, from the sundress to the smile, you’ll find them all here.

Closing Chatter.

Categories: An Eclectic of the Eccentric, Love & Relationships, Thought Catalog-Esque | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Letter to that Girl

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Hey girl. I’m sorry I was the oddest person in the world last night. I met you one time like two years ago, when you had a boyfriend, and at the time, I was all, “Dayyyummm girl, you are the perfect woman!” Anyway, I remembered your name from that one encounter, and when I bumped into you last night, I totally freaked you out by knowing who you were.

The thing is, I put you up on a pedestal 3 years ago, despite only talking to you for a couple hours. You were applying to be in the same school of journalism that I was in, and we talked about your love of sports, journalism, and communications. I was enamored by your quick wit and vast knowledge of athletics.

We chatted until bar close, but because you had a boyfriend, I decided to say my goodbye, and leave it as a random, perfect encounter. Similar to Buttercup‘s idea with the Drum-roll.

The problem was, when I saw you again last night, you were still “perfect” because we never went past the aforementioned drum-roll.

And unfortunately, albeit understandably, you didn’t remember me. I was just a dude you met at a bar while dating your long-time boyfriend. I never got your number or talked to you again in 3 years. But when I saw you last night, I experienced a rush of revertigo, remembering the conversation immediately.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry that I sounded like a babbling, bumbling band of baboons. And when I bump into you in three more years, I’ll try not to be such a prat.

Closing Chatter.

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10 Reasons you should Hook Up with the Nice Guy

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DISCLAIMER: This post is R-rated. If you’re a young reader or my mother, now is the time to stop reading this post…. For the rest of you, enjoy!

There are a lot of assholes out there that are great at getting laid. They know how to manipulate girls into bed, and usually, they’re pretty decent between the sheets. Ladies, I’m sure you’ve been with at least one of these guys in the past. I’m here to tell you to give the non-asshole a chance. This is an ode for all the nice guys out there that don’t get to put their P in a V as much as they’d like.

I’m not referring to the guy you are friends with who ACTS nice to get you into bed. He thinks being nice will work. That guy is different. I’m referring to the genuinely nice guy, who isn’t trying to get out of the friend zone. You just met him, and he’s not an asshole. That’s the guy you should bang… Why you ask? Well, here are 10 reasons why you should hook up with a Nice Guy.

1. The nice guy isn’t going to play mind games when you text him. He’s going to respond to your message with his actual feelings, wants and desires. And he’s not going to try to diabolically get your panties off through texting warfare.

2. An asshole will not call you the day after hooking up, the day after that, or even a week later… He will text you at 1:30 in the morning, asking to buy you a shot in exchange for a shot at you. On the flip-side, the nice guy is going to shoot you a text the next afternoon saying something like, “hey, I had a really fun time last night. I was wondering if you’d want to get together for a drink in the near future.” Maybe you don’t want that drink, but at least you’re not being ignored.

3. Have you ever dealt with an asshole who doesn’t reciprocate in the oral department? You just spent ten minutes trying to get his flaccid penis up, and he won’t even put his lips on your downstairs. The nice guy is going to want to return the favor, instead of just plowing you and rolling over. He’ll care about your needs in the bedroom, and while he may lack confidence originally before getting you between the sheets, once he’s there, he makes up for it with a very determined tongue.

4. When you crash at the Nice Guy’s apartment, he’s going to want to make you breakfast. He’s not rushing you out the door because it’s the morning and he never wants to see you again. The nice guy is going to whip up a batch of pancakes, because he wants to “thank you” for your services. Unlike going out to dinner, making breakfast is after the goods have been shared. He still wants to care for you. The asshole won’t even want to share his bed once his needs have been fulfilled.

5. When you’re walking home from the bars at 2 A.M., in high heels and in the rain, the asshole is going to do nothing. The nice guy is going to take off his shoes, offer them to you, and then carry your heels. He doesn’t care about ruining a pair of socks. He just wants your feet to be in a little less agony.

6. When you’ve been with a nice guy a couple times, he’s willing to do things for you, even if it doesn’t get his dick wet. He’ll run to the store to pick up your favorite diet soda, because he wants to, not because he expects a blowie upon his return.

7. A nice guy actually cares about your opinion. Yes, it’s nice when your man steps up to the plate and has an entire date planned out, from the ride to the restaurant. However, the nice guy will ask you if you have preferences, making sure you’re not a huge hater of sushi before taking you to try it. It’s a small respect thing, but it’s nice to be on the receiving end.

8. You know that massage you need after a long day… the one that puts you in a relaxed state of mind? The one that is done without needing to bang the masseuse after? Yeah, that’s only coming from the nice guy.

9. A nice guy is going to get 5 of his friends to sit and take a survey for you, that you need to do for class, because you’re not very good at finding people. He’s always trying to help you out with the little things, because he gets his jollies off of other people’s happiness.

10. A nice guy is going to try the weird things in the bedroom. The asshole might as well, but whereas the asshole wants you to do his things, the nice guy will be open to yours.

In general, the nice guy wants to please you. The asshole wants to please himself. That’s the main difference. The problem with nice guys is that they’re beta males, and don’t have the cajones to make the moves. They’re waiting for you, and they’re likely going to be waiting until your biological clock starts ticking. That’s when the nice guys become THE guys.

So for you nice men out there, keep plugging along, you’ll find your sex kitten. And ladies, next time you’re out at a bar, and the shy guy has made eye contact with you a couple times, go up and introduce yourself. You never know when you’ll find your diamond in the rough.

Closing Chatter.

Categories: An Eclectic of the Eccentric, Disclaimer!, Love & Relationships, Thought Catalog-Esque | Tags: , , , , | 1 Comment

The Final Love Song

Chatter Commencing.

This is a short story. It is completely fictional and any pictures chosen for it were merely the closest ones to my descriptions as I could find on Google. Enjoy!

******

Walking down by the docks, Taylor was doing her best not to be noticed. She was wearing a pale blue sundress and flip flops. Her hair was done up in an easy pony-tail and was covered by a big hat. Despite the nearly cloudless sky, it was a bit breezy on the pier, so she was also rocking a light brown jacket and matching sunglasses that covered nearly half her face.

She quietly walked past an old couple sitting on a bench and a young man fishing, to reach the end of the pier. She leaned out over the edge of the water, breathing in the fresh air and enjoying her break from the paparazzi. Subtly, she glanced back over her should to make sure their were no flashing cameras. Seeing no one, she twisted around to lean against the stone railing, the wind fluttering her hair around her shoulders.

She noticed the young man was now reeling hard, a look of determination on his face. He was wearing a flowing white button down shirt with a dirty Tee underneath. He had brown plaid pants on, and he was barefoot. Imagine Noah from The Notebook, but not as good looking.  She marveled at his flowing blond hair, narrow shoulders, and tanned skin. He had one foot up on the stone railing and was leaning back with his rod, his hands working the rod feverishly from side to side.

Unexpectedly, the tip of the rod whipped backwards, the line snapping. With a frustrated expression, the young man reeled in his remaining line and began stringing a new hook onto the end. As if he knew she was watching, his head snapped up and he looked right at her.

Forgetting that her face was hidden behind her bug-eyed glasses, Taylor flinched and spun around quickly on her heels. She heard a small snort, and prayed that he had not recognized her.

“Hey you over there!” shouted the young man across the dock. “Wanna try to catch the beast that just snapped my line?”

Taylor didn’t know how to respond. He didn’t appear to know her, and she hadn’t fished in ages. Deliberating, she decided it was worth the risk. She spun back around, this time on her toes, and started to walk over to him.

“Of course,” she said, flashing a grin. “But you might have to cast for me. I never could get the hang of it.”

“I can do that. My name is Sam. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too, Sam. I’m Taylor.”

******

Ding. Dong.

Taylor had butterflies as she skipped down the stairs of her Aunt’s country home to answer the door.

She hadn’t been out with someone who didn’t know who she was since before her first single was released, and frankly, she was excited to be have a blank slate.

Her afternoon had been fantastic. She and Sam had spent three hours chatting about the most obnoxious things while trying to catch fish on the pier. It turned out that he was from a small town in Wisconsin, and he grew up on a dead end road. His parents were big time classic rock fans, and he grew up listening to the likes of the Steve Miller Band, Queen and Journey. He never really got into country, but he liked some of the classics by Johnny Cash.

After debating music, the conversation turned to foods, sports and literature. She loved that he was a huge harry potter nerd, but they didn’t agree on which houses they were in. Sam stuck up for the Slytherins, defiantly stating that they had gotten a bad rap in the books.

“True Slytherins strive for personal success,” he explained. “Just because they are ambitious, does not mean that they are evil.” Taylor preferred the trustworthiness and kind demeanor of Hufflepuff.

They spent a while discussing what kinds of mischief and shenanigans they might get into if they were wizards. Throughout the afternoon, the conversation just seemed to flow. For Taylor, it had been fantastic not to talk about her life as an international celebrity.

A nervous titter was about her as she pulled the door open with a broad smile, “Hello Sam.”

“You look radiant,” Sam exclaimed, and his eyes truly meant it.

“Will this attire suffice?” she asked curiously. Sam had told her to wear something easy going, and she wondered what he had planned for their evening.

“Absolutely,” he replied. With a twirl of his hands, he asked, “shall we go then my lady?” in a terrible British accent.

“Is that the best you can do?” Taylor smirked, pulling the door closed behind her.

******

Smack! The balloon hit Sam right in the face, and he was drenched in a burst of cold water. He had just peeked up into the barn loft when Taylor shrieked, “Bombs Away!”

Spluttering, Sam launched a pair of balloons up at her, and then jumped up onto the ladder attached to the wall. Having dodged his two balloons, Taylor pelted him with several as he made his way up the wrungs of the ladder like a fireman. At the top of the stairs, he pivoted, turned and threw a balloon before she could duck.

Drenched and laughing, Taylor held up her left hand, waving a white flag in surrender. Sam lifted himself up onto the loft and sidled over to her slowly, grinning but not breaking eye contact. He was five feet out when she whipped her right hand from behind her back, heaving her last balloon.

It hit him right in the chest, and he coughed, “oh now, you’re in trouble!” Picking her up off her feet with his right arm, he held her tight against his chest, staring into her eyes. With his left hand he took his last balloon and burst it over her head. She gasped as the water fell over both of them, and then leaned down to kiss his firm and expectant lips.

******

Sam’s Proposal spent 14 weeks as the Billboard #1 song in 2015. Taylor never wrote another break-up song.

Closing Chatter.

Categories: An Eclectic of the Eccentric, Love & Relationships, Short Stories | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

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